wholeness.

"it is in selfless love that we find ourselves full & fulfilled."
--erwin mcmanus


3 years ago today i met a person that changed my life.
the hardest thing i have gone through in my life thus far is the day i had to hang up the phone and run to the bathroom because i was physically ill from intense hurt & fear. that night was followed by the the 23 and a half months that led up to right now. this moment. while i sit here in my bedroom in Ohio (the last place in the world i ever thought id be) wondering how long it will take before my life resumes normalcy.

i dont cry anymore. i dont make myself sick with the hurt.
in fact, these days im pretty apathetic about it all.
im angry. and im bitter.
not because i lost my first love or the man i wanted to marry.

more so because that person was my very best friend.
the one person who got me when nobody else did.
who was genuine in a world full of phoney people.
and who loved me with a love that was so real.


im numb to the pain that i feel knowing that we very well may never have another conversation. knowing that he would probably rather do anything than come face to face with me. its tough. but ive had enough that its making me angry and bitter. the very thing ive guilt tripped him for being. the very thing ive prayed against for him. i am so angry with him. so bitter that he keeps hurting me like this when it would be so easy for him to ease this ridiculous pain that comes through apathy and bitterness.


im over it.
i can say that wholeheartedly.
the "it" feeling has faded.
mostly because this person he is now isnt the person i loved.

i miss our friendship.
especially on days like today.
where i could have told him about my day at work.
and he would have cranked up a dave matthews song and started singing at the top of his lungs, then turned in down and continued right where our conversation left off acting as though nothing out of the norm just happened. dropping a couple "douche mongers" for good measure. and then laughing about how he plays favorites with his african american students.

the past is the past for a reason.
and my prayer for the past year has been for "wholeness."
"God.. heal my heart & make it whole again."

but i realized as i read that quote about selfless love tonight...
i think you could tag something else to the end of it:
"it is in selfless love that we find ourselves full & fulfilled & WHOLE."

what does that look like?
in this situation specifically?
im still figuring that out.
but i think its a truth i can take to the bank.


praying that the year to come brings selfless love & wholeness.