mighty to save.

so many conversations in the past few days have gotten me thinking about grace & salvation especially in regards to my students. ive been doing student ministry at least part time for the past 5 years. and since moving to st. louis i realized how easy its always been for me to gravitate to the good kid. its who i relate to, because its who i was. the one who looked really great on the outside... decent grades, big smile, leader in the youth group, bubbly, happy & trustworthy. the one who maybe isnt so bubbly and happy on the inside, but knows better than anyone how to put on a great show.

maybe its the city. maybe its the fact that im currently serving in a huge church. maybe its the ethnic diversity that im experiencing like i never have before. but in this church, with these students, ive found it hard to comprehend that the kids that have it together / look like they have it together are in the overwhelming minority. the majority of my students are jacked up. (and i say that with so much love and respect for them because i can relate... i may know how to make it look like i have it all together, but i admire about my kids the fact that they can be brutally honest about their junk.) these kids spend their weekends drunk, smoking weed, missing curfew, getting grounded, going to rehab, getting picked up by their parole officers, they cross physical boundaries to the point they arent even sure where the boundary was to begin with, they are cutters and liars ... they're angry and they're hurting. i talked to a junior high student this morning who has to start going to alternative school tomorrow because she punched her principal in the face and busted her lip. so much going on in their lives that it overwhelms me at times to think that God has given me responsibility to share truth & love with them.

and when i stop to think about all the issues that students face. all the crazy jacked up things that happen in their lives that they have no control over. the circumstances they get thrown into that i would give anything to pull them out of. or even the crazy jacked up things that happen in their lives that they absolutely bring on themselves. my heart breaks for them. i hate to see these students that God has given me this incredible ability to love go through hurt and pain.

but as i sit here in my first few moments of quiet today after a morning and afternoon full of teenagers & laughter & conversation.... the Hillsong United lyrics that are playing over and over in my head remind me that God truly is bigger than any of the junk they face.

"my Savior, He can move the mountains. my God is mighty to save."

thank You, Jesus for moving mountains & saving us from our junk.
You are so so good.

one week.

a week ago today these were the last minutes of my grandpa's life.

its hard to believe that its been a week of not being able to talk to him. no matter how much i have wanted to call and talk in the past 7 days, i couldnt. no matter how much ive wanted in the past 7 days to pretend this isnt really happening, it is. no matter how much it hurts to see my grandma getting rid of so many of the things that remind her of him so that she can survive living in their house alone. no matter how intense this heavy, suffocating feeling of knowing that when Christmas comes my Grandpa isnt going to be there to pray before dinner. or how many tears flood my eyes when i think of the hope i have of a wedding day someday where my grandpa wont be sitting in the front row smiling. the truth is, my Grandpa is gone.

and in this moment, i have so much regret. i didnt go visit enough. i didnt call enough. i didnt talk enough. i didnt say i love you enough. i didnt pick his incredibly intelligent & Godly brain enough. it is a hard thing to find the balance between following God and loving my family. especially when it seems as though the call of God continues to take me further and further away from them.

i miss my grandpa. and i dont know how much time is normal or necessary for the hurt to lessen, or if it ever will. the only thing that makes it easier is knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that my Grandpa is in the presence of Jesus. and someday. some sweet sweet day... Ill be there too.

welcome home, grandpa.

my grandpa was sick for a long time. for the past three years or so we have dealt with the ups and downs of being in and out of hospitals and emergency rooms and nursing homes. he's gone through heart surgery and dialysis and a kidney transplant and so many other procedures and been in more pain than most people will know in their lifetime. he went from going on his 5ish mile a day walk to being incapable of walking across the street to the mailbox in what seemed like a matter of days. and throughout all of the fear, aches, pains, stress, and frustration... the closest to complaining i ever heard come out of his mouth is "I want to go home."

this afternoon at 4:15pm my Grandpa went home.

and in reality...asking, pleading, sometimes even begging to go home wasnt a complaint at all. i know my Grandpa wasnt asking to go to heaven in those times... what he really wanted was the comfort of his chair in his familiar living room with my sweet Grandma right by his side. he wanted his remote control, his TV, and the view from their big picture window. he wanted to be able to control the thermostat again and eat my grandma's cooking instead of hospital food. he wanted to be able to rest without being poked and prodded and squeezed and tested.

but he never said any of that.
just "i want to go home."

my Grandpa is home now.

its very surreal this feeling of knowing that the man who has been a steady and constant foundation in our family for all of the almost 24 years of my life is no longer on this earth. my heart physically aches to know that i will never hear him pray before a family dinner again. its hard to swallow and almost impossible to accept this reality that my grandpa is really really really gone. and no matter how sick he was, for how long, and how bad it got... nothing could have possibly prepared me for this moment.

my grandpa spoke truth into my life for as long as i can remember. always talking to me about how important it was to know Jesus and go to church. my favorite mental picture of my Grandpa is peeking in the family room door to see him sitting at his desk "studying"... pouring over Scripture and writing for hours into big spiral bound notebooks. (i bet he has 25+ notebooks full of notes & sunday school lessons) my Grandpa was a man who genuinely loved God and His word.

i would give just about anything to hear my grandpa say "it'll feel better when it quits hurting" or "well there's brandi randi!" every time i walk in the door. id love one more day out on the lake in the boat with all the cousins. one more fish fry. one more Christmas morning. one more night of homemade popcorn & reruns of "Golden Girls" and "The Commish". one more FBC Christmas pageant from the balcony while my sister and I ate every single Cert grandpa had in his pocket. one more shopping trip where Grandpa and I ended up sitting on the bench at Wal Mart while he held his shopping bag that contained the only things he wanted... salted peanuts & gum... while we waited on Grandma and Jessi to finish shopping. one more night of ice milk & getting to lay on the pallet in the living room floor. one more sleepover and waking up on saturday morning to Grandma playing her Elvis 8 tracks while she and Grandpa scour the already clean house with vacuum cleaners and pledge. one more time to hear Grandpa yell after us as we all ran down the basement steps... "dont touch the walls!"

my Grandpa spent the past 3 years, but especially the past 3 weeks just wanting to go home.

i am so thankful & blessed beyond belief that the way he lived his life makes me know beyond a shadow of a doubt that home is exactly where he is. no recliner, no picture window, no remote control, no control of the thermostat... but the presence of Jesus & no more sickness or pain.

my Grandpa is home.

aunt brandi's boys.

i have the cutest nephews on the face of the earth.