longing...

it was when i was happiest that i longed the most...
the sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...
to find the place where all the beauty came from.
c.s. lewis

waiting.

when i cant feel You, i have learned to reach out just the same
when i cant hear You, i know You still hear every word i pray
and i want You more than i wanna live another day
and as i wait for You, maybe im made more faithful.
faithful by brooke fraser

praying that God opens the door wide or slams it shut.
and that contentment is the state of my heart regardless.

love is...

im currently reading
"sex God" by rob bell.

chapter 5 - p. 98

"love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they dont want it. thats why its such a crushing ache on the inside. we gave away part of ourselves and it wasnt wanted.
love is a giving away of power. when we love, we give the other person the power in the relationship. they can do what they choose. they can do what they like with our love. they can reject it, they can accept it, they can step toward us in gratitude and appreciation.
love is a giving away. when we love, we put ourselves out there, we expose ourselves, we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
love is giving up control. its surrendering the desire to control the other person. the two- love and controlling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. if we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all the desires within us to manipulate the relationship."

it is so hard to believe in love after been hurt deeply by it. it seem as though each day that goes by i close off more and more of my heart to avoid the risk of getting hurt again someday. i used to be the girl that wore her heart on her sleeve. sensitive and honest and genuine. these days i find that cautious, cynical, bitter, apathetic, and numb are better words to describe the state of my heart in regards to love and relationships. its almost as if my subconscious wouldnt let me be myself with someone even if the opportunity presented itself because my heart couldnt take the pain of being hurt again. and then i read in this book how he talks about God feeling a pain that is so similar to heartache from a broken relationship when one of His children rejects His way for a way of selfishness and sin. how God is not only present in our suffering, but He has truly felt our pain. "our healing begins when we participate in the suffering of God. when we dont avoid it but enter into it, and in the process enter into the life of God. when we see our pain not as separating us from but connecting us to our Maker." (p. 107)

"to love at all is to be vulnerable. love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. if you want to keep it intact, you must give your hear to no one, not even an animal. wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries. avoid entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. it will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. the only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is hell."
--CS Lewis

abba... thank you for making me in Your image --
capable of loving and being loved only because of Christ in me.

who i am.

i was off work today & i had a list of things to accomplish. i needed to exchange something at the mall, go to the grocery store, clean my bedroom, do a load of laundry, call my dad, and read chapter 2 of a book a friend & i are going through together.

i did clean my room.
and i did read chapter 2.

otherwise, i sat indian style in my bed most of the day contemplating who i am and who i really want to be. i remember a time in my life when i thought "this person is almost exactly who i want to be." and when i pinpoint that time it had much to do with the people who were in my life. my roomates during that time were a consistent and precious encouragement. coming home to 3 ladies who love Jesus and are purposefully encouraging made such a difference in me. they were genuinely interested in the condition of my heart. i always had 6 ears that were ready to listen.. and each pair held a different perspective that all pointed to Jesus. i so miss those moments in that dorm room. i had incredible friends who kept me sane. who went on long walks with me to talk about life & love & faith. who called me out on things when i was being an idiot. who had girls nights & movie nights & homework nights & loved me through & break up & a broken down car & a class skipping problem ;) . i had precious guy friends who listened to me vent & made me laugh & introduced me to rock music & took care of me in the absence of my dad. i had a person in my life who took an interest in my well being. my health, my spirituality, my personality, my heart. who protected me like no one ever has & made me feel more loved than i have ever. who helped me to understand the love that Jesus has for the church. who challenged the very foundation of what i believe about God and was the catalyst to a journey of figuring out who God is and how He moves. the attributes He embodies that are mostly unspoken. and in the process my foundation became strong enough to become more than a foundation. and in the years to follow have grown into this beautiful picture of who God is and the beautiful picture of grace He gives so freely. a picture of the grace He has enabled us to extend.


and yet in the past year my most frequent thought is "who have i become?" and "why is it so hard for me to be who i so desperately want to be?" i am not this girl who snaps at the silliest things... who places more importance on a 'more than enough' income than she does on time spent with Abba... who has her heart so closed off to people that i almost wonder if anyone besides my nearest & dearest truly know me....

those people who were vital in my life at the time when i was almost there are miles away... both physically and some emotionally.... but truly it is my Abba who molds & creates in me a heart that overflows into the woman that i know i want to be.



in the meantime...
im not giving up.
trusting that God is who He says He is
and can do what He says He can do.

this song is so good:
all the folly of the past,
though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one,
still trying to make it right
so i whisper soft Your name,
let it roll around my tongue,
knowing You're the only one
who knows me.
"faithful" by brooke fraser

healing.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
psalm 147:3

but as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
psalm 71:14

foreshadowing.

tonight i bought a lighter....

whom have I in heaven but You?
and earth has nothing I desire besides You.

my flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
psalm 73:25-26

sit with You awhile.

there is a song that meant so much to me during my first years as a follower of Christ almost 10 years ago. tonight as i sat on my bed curled up in my fleece blanky, listening to the wind whistling outside my window and praying that God would allow my mind & heart to truly be still for a few moments the melody began softly playing in my heart.

i havent heard of thought of the song in years, but tonight i think i rediscovered my love for it. its not spiritually deep or profound, but it speaks loudly the most basic cry of my heart these days: to truly understand and believe that the time i spend being held by my Abba truly is all that i need.

when i cannot feel
when my wounds wont heal
Lord i humbly kneel
hidden in You

Lord You are my life
so i dont mind to die
just as long as i
am hidden in You

if i could just sit with You awhile
if You could just hold me
nothing can touch me though
im wounded though ive died

if i could just sit with You awhile
i need You to hold me
moment by moment til forever passes by.

thankful.

november is here.
and remembering to be thankful is going to be the theme of this month for me. its so easy for me to complain these days while life is stressful and work is busy. but i truly do have a lot to be thankful for.

:: my church. rob who communicates truth in a way that stretches me & causes me to love Jesus more. the people who love students alongside me and challenge me to grow. the bands who humbly lead us each week.

:: my new coworkers who have allowed a new leader to come into their store and graciously do whatever i ask of them.

:: God providing the means for me to pay off debt through this new position with bath & body.

:: the sacredness of time spent alone with my Abba. throughout this busy season of life, alone time with Him is so much more special.


thats all for now.
im off to meet kristi for lunch at panera,
& cherishing a beautiful sunshiney day off.